Believe it or not... It's been a little over a year that I've been making all of the hand-soap in our home (and homes of extended family). Due to experiencing some very extreme prolonged stress (and then ending up with PTSD - had over a year of EMDR therapy with an excellent army veteran guy, so feeling much better), I ended up with head-to-toe psoriasis in 2018.

Then I found out I was pregnant. High risk pregnancy due to lots of things going on. (Don't worry, #theQuinoa is doing awesomely awesome.)

Then I learned about all the literal "crap" and chemicals that go into soap. ----> So that was it, I decided, we literally needed to "clean up" at home. Yea no more store bought shampoo nor conditioner for me. No more store bought body soap. I think I still smell ok. Hey, I'm Korean - so I got lucky in a lot of ways. I learned about the ingredients that go into soaps. I read this giant book about essential oils. Then I started selling the soap (small supply, not full time, just for kicks). These days, the soap is going by much more quickly with everyone washing their hands and faces multiple times a day, every day - I think about how many exposures are we getting  to the harsh chemicals. All of those chemicals end up in the sewers... 

Things to think about - are you using clean soap to clean these days? Look at the ingredients.

Anyways, one of my "hobbies" 2018-present that I wanted to share. Crazy how little we know and how much we assume in the things we do every single day.

Next on the list... figuring out gardening. I've never ever had a green thumb... any tricks? If I had even more time, I'd love to have chickens and fresh eggs. I know a bunch of y'all have done that - and I'm so jealous.

Maybe I'll trade you handmade CLEAN SOAP for FRESH EGGS? ​

--Arry

​PS. Or trade you SOAP for a cool-er logo? Thoughts on the version 1 I created with free software? 

I saw this image fly by my eyes at about 330AM this morning - and I saved it as a reminder that I want to share/write about this... A LOT MORE ABOUT THIS.

Many of us humans, we have our dark down days.  Some have them more than others.  At my worst, I think I did not leave my room/bed/apartment for weeks.  Some times, the idea of being alive is just so exhausting.  Some times, I am able to push myself into being somewhat functional, going through the motions of a fully productive day - only doing what is absolutely necessary to not let anything blow up.  Other times, I've written long goodbye letters to my husband and family - only to "wake up" and throw it away.  I even daydreamed about getting in the car, alone, and driving endlessly on the highway to just go away from this surreal non-reality reality I was living in. 

I had a really tough time with postpartum depression with our first baby.  Really bad.  I had no idea how bad it was at the time.  Only looking back today, do I realize how deep in the depths of velvety despair I was living in day to day, night after night, month after month.  To help myself with this newest baby who was recently born, I did things differently. 

Five Things I'm Doing Differently with Our Second Baby to Avoid Postpartum Depression: 

1. Proactive Communication (before giving birth) - I told my OBGYN, my husband, friends, and more about how challenging postpartum depression was for me with our first baby.  With more people aware, they can help me when they see me teetering on the edge.  Recently, I woke up.  For some reason, everything felt so difficult.  I sat down on the couch ready to feed our newborn, and tears just started rolling down my face.  My husband looked at me and said, "go put on something comfortable to go outside with.  I'll drop you and the baby off at the mall and you can walk around a little while I do this quick 30 minute meeting this morning."  I started to object - and then something in me said, just do it. The day turned out to be really great because my husband was aware.
2. Lots of Photos - while pregnant, I put up photos all of over the home of wonderful memories, family, and friends.  It's seriously made a difference.  When I'm home, the photos are constant reminders of good memories, loving faces, and comfort that keep me from falling into that dark place too much.
3. Therapy - I see this Phd psychologist/leadership coach quarterly.  Todd.  When he saw me pregnant, in my second trimester, he asked, "did you get postpartum depression with the first pregnancy"?  I said, "yes, it was really bad".  Considering what I was going through last year, he strongly advised me to get a therapist ASAP to start working weekly on building some strong mental foundational tools before the baby was born.  Oh my goodness, SO HELPFUL.  He even looked up a few folks for me to call to find the right fit. 
4. Breathing Room & Forgiveness in Breastfeeding - For those that have not breastfed a newborn baby before, it's REALLY hard.  It's hard to produce the milk - enough milk.  It's hard on the body physically.  There's a lot of pain associated with it.  There's a lot of stress related to it knowing that this amazing adorable innocent human life form depends on you for it.  There's sacrifice - the sleep, the social events, what I can or cannot eat/drink, and then some.  This time around with this baby, we're going with "fed is best".  I've been supplementing with formula from the day he was born.  With our first baby, I felt so ashamed to even go there, so I pushed and pushed to have him exclusively breastfed until about 6 months of age.  I still feel the shame with not producing as much milk as with our first baby - and at the same time, I feel a tiny bit happier and freer.  It's a weird discombobulating feeling.  My husband has been reminding me, fed is best.  Whole generations of humans are and have been exclusively formula fed.  The baby will be okay. I don't know if it's the same for other mothers - my self worth and self esteem daily seems to be based on how breastfeeding is going that day.  
5. Indulging Myself with Food and Sleep - to my heart's content.  It took about a full month before I even allowed my husband to take care of our newborn ALL NIGHT LONG while I slept in the other bed with our toddler.  A full month.  For some reason, I have this innate feeling that it is fully my own responsibility to stay up all night, every night, with our newborn.  I feel an immense amount of guilt letting my husband do that.  I've been learning to let go - with coaxing and coaching from both my husband and therapist.  Sleep is amazing - milk flows so luxuriously and freely after a night of good sleep.  Same goes with when I've had some delicious food/beverage.  Oh, and this time, proactively recruiting help from not just family - but also the community has helped.  I now know what a MEAL TRAIN is!!! 

Having a baby - it's like the whole family getting hit by a bus.  For the mother who just gave birth, it's like getting hit by the bus a few more times.  The physical and mental demands are big - and not knowing any better, I really struggled with recovery with our first baby.  This second baby has been easier in so many ways, and more difficult in other (like having survived the unplanned c-section, that got infected... more on that some other time.)  

Net-net?  
Ask for help.  
Accept and embrace the help.  
Don't add more stress than is really needed.  
​Eat/sleep as much as you can.  
Have strong mental and visual anchors to stay strong daily.

Arry 

This is a blog post to... warm up my blogging self again.  It's really hard to start something again after dropping the ball for so long.  I am trying to pick the ball up again.  

​Smile.

I look at our growing family, now with two amazing little babies (technically, one is a toddler). Never say "never" is the lesson.  To think I was adamant with my (at the time) soon to be husband that I did not want children is crazy.  Never say "never".  I did not know what I was saying.  Of course, it's hard - sleep deprivation, mess everywhere, our home has been invaded with kids' items and baby gear.  Giving birth is hard - 36 hour labor with Lentil, and an unplanned c-section with complications with Quinoa.  Feeding them (or convincing them to eat healthy) is a constant negotiation exercise.  

On the other hand, I'm probably a better human for it (than if I hadn't been lucky to have had our children).  I see the miracle of life, the blessing that life is, and have far more empathy for how babies grow up to be people.  Probably, most of the troubles we have in our lifetimes are because of how someone was or wasn't wired properly based on who the parents were, on top of all the emotional baggage we collect as adults.  That about sums it up.  To fix some of the biggest world problems, be pro-human and make sure that the world's babies are brought up with love and the proper nutrition, from birth.  How can we prioritize that globally as one human race? 

​Seriously.

Lentil is our toddler, full of passion, curiosity, energy and zeal.  He loves to learn, sing, dance, anything art/creative, help in the kitchen, and most definitely, anything red with four wheels on it.  I'm sitting in his bedroom right now as I write - smelling his toddler smells and smiling. 

Quinoa is our newest addition and now barely over a month old.  He arrived, after being breached (twice), and a failed second attempt at a versioning, via c-section.  I'm mostly recovered from the c-section and its following complications now, as I'm now starting to worry about my vanity and how I am going to lose the extra baby weight (15 pounds to go).    

Dae keeps referring to himself as "grandpa-dad" - mostly because he'll be about 70 years old when our kid(s) graduate college.  :). I refer to Dae as "Benjamin Button" because he looks seemingly younger and younger each year that goes by.

Life's truest blessings is family and friends,
Arry

I pushed and pulled and fought as hard as I could to create something out of nothing.  I met some very talented and inspiring people along the way.  Thousands to people were part of this journey, and I could not have gotten anywhere as far as we did without everyone.

• Advisors like Gina Cuff and Hoon Kong.  Advisors that also personally invested themselves into the company like: Jonathan Sposato, Barbary Brunner, and Rob Adams.  Even informal ones like Leo Novsky and Travis Jones that helped me navigate those tumultuous waters.  I worked for Logic20/20 from 2011 to 2014, and they have continued to support me even after leaving the company in ways that I will forever be grateful for - Thank you Christian, Ellen and Travis for everything.  
• Investors like Gary Rubens, Heather Redman, Rebecca Nordlander, and Rudy Gadre that go above and beyond with the quality time they spend with you.  Gary would take me out to hit golf balls for hours while coaching my golf swing and my business acumen.  Heather Redman would take me to go get our nails done.  Barbary who would take the phone call day or night, within hours of needing help.  Man, I remember the day Rebecca called me and said, "I woke up this morning and decided I'm wiring you money.  Go out there and make it happen!"  She's awesome.   Rudy, heart of gold and one of the best brains out there.
• Past employees, founders and team members like Stuart Owen, Christie Tarazon, Sean Zhong, Gina Cuff, Melissa Glidden, Arianna O'Dell, Hoon Kong, Jon Peck, and Valentine Gunko.  So many memories.  The other co-founders: Stuart is raw talent and incredibly smart.  Christie not just talented, but my goodness, one of the strongest women I know.  What Christie endured and pushed through during that first year is super human stuff.
• Lawyers like Lee Schindler and Adam Phillipp.  They are absolutely my go-to humans when on a startup journey and would not go anywhere else.  
• Accelerators and incubators that gave us a shot like 9Mile Labs and 500 Startups.  500 Startups where all of this startup theory really landed.  Hard.  Very pregnant.  So much truth and learning.
• Family and friends that helped give us hope, especially when times were REALLY tough.  Susan L. who surprised me with gifting requests and proactively gave so much insightful feedback.   
• Partners like butter LONDON, and B&H Photo Video that went above and beyond to help give the business shape and life.  B&H Photo Video Yosef called me days after our first ad-hoc meeting and gave me tips that ultimately gave birth to our beautiful business model.  Oh, and Stacy Kincaid who worked with us during the Providence Health relationship.  Really good people left and right.
• Most importantly, my husband, @luggagedonkey.  He covered so much on the family and home front, with our baby, my in-laws, my mother, my brother, everything.  And he cheered me on so fiercely, there's no doubt that he's my co-founder in anything I do in life.  The best kind of co-founder one could ever ask or pray for.

Spring to Summer of 2016 was really hard.  I thought I could be superwoman, having just given birth to my Lentil - that with the help of my awesome team, we could pull through this together.  Deep post partum depression.  I spent the summer of 2016 in a deep depression.  Deep despair.  My husband often had to peel my salty existence off the floor and into bed.  I did not feel like I even deserved to be alive.  I often thought the world, my husband, Lentil, everyone would be better off without me.  A waste of space.  Unworthy of the air I took in.  I looked at the sweet innocent face of Lentil and would end up crying because I felt I did not deserve to be his mother.

My advisors and investors starting sitting down to give me the "talk" in 2016.  They told me it was okay - to close it down and give them the write-off.  They told me to get going on the next startup because that one was the one they wanted in on.  I tried for one last hurrah in the fall of 2016, with my "AJ" by my side (thanks to my investors, especially Rudy, for giving me that one last swing at the ball).  Fall of 2016 was not the season of generosity and giving.  Power was changing hands - and the air was filled with emotions between the Clinton versus the Trump camps.  

​January - March 2017 I spent most of it on the verge of tears or crying my face off or finding a place to belong.  I'd be fine, and then while brushing my teeth with my husband in the bathroom, I'd tear up.  Standing in the kitchen I'd tear up.  I tried to get "out there" and involved in the community to pick up my spirits.  I tried to do this "Red Scarf" thing which was all about giving it forward to another woman entrepreneur.  I spent a bit of time doing office hours.  I put together events.  I volunteered to help the Riveter launch.  I did consulting on the side.  I advised any startup that came our way.  I really wanted to help this tiny little startup company called CakeCodes (which later became Storm and one I am part of today).  

And here we are.  May 2018.  I should really have called it quits back in the Winter of 2015/Spring of 2016.  I definitely should have in the Summer of 2016.  I absolutely should have sometime in 2017.  It is now officially May.  We are in the first week of May 2018 and I am finally officially and publicly - calling it done.  

Hope this post helps someone out there.  If you ever want to talk, please do not hesitate to reach out to me.  It is so lonely being an entrepreneur, a founder, in startups, being a founder CEO, raising funds, doing the grind, having employees, figuring out how to be a mom as a founder, all of it.  The emotional depression and the depth of despair that one experiences is so great, I wonder how many of us are suffering silently. 

Hugs to you out there trying to change the world.

​--Arry
​

That's what life is like with a toddler.  I am actually sneaking around with my lil yellow box of banana milk and sucking it down as fast as possible before his little baby nose can tell what's going on.  I'm sneaking around with it because it's my guilty pleasure.  And it's made of all kinds of crap and artificial colors and sugars that I don't want my baby to ingest.  

It's not just banana milk.  It's a sip of coke.  It's Doritos.  It's cookies.  It's juice.  It's chocolate!  It's super spicy food.  It's popcorn.  It's nuts!  It's ramen.  ...   My husband and I do a dance once the Lentil is out for the night (sleeping his 10-12 hour shift), and we start breaking out the wine, the beer, the chips, and sometimes we even boil a thing of instant ramen.

Who would have thought that this is what life with children is like?

It is for us.   
​--Arry

Vancouver today.  Drove up to speak at the Vancouver Advanced Digital Innovation Summit.  Local, PNW, support our community and on the topic of Blockchain.  Seemed like a great idea.  Photo above is when I spoke.  I tried taking a less authoritative and much more approachable/friendly tone with the presentation in Vancouver.  Not sure I loved the experience of delivering it.  People did seem very receptive to it.  

Drive back same day, fly out tomorrow to Zurich.  Planning to try on a more dry tone with the presentation in Zurich to see how that goes.  I don't get to put my Lentil to bed tonight, so I'm really hoping timing works out and I can at least get him ready for school in the morning and then I fly out for the week.  My heart hurts at the thought of leaving my Lentil for so many days.

--Arry

Lentil's first day of baby school is today.  I've been feeling so anxious.  Remember, ICO?  I have been fretting about potentially being gone for the first 2 weeks of September, and missing his first days of baby school.  Thankfully, Simon and I have decided to split up Europe and Asia trips.  He's doing most of Asia.  I'm doing the bulk of Europe.  

Thank you dear Lord for allowing me to be home for his first days of baby school.  He's an amazing boy - and my heart just swoons looking at this photo of him.  Our Lentil bean is growing up so fast.  <3 <3 <3 

It's my birthday week, so the family and a couple friends, we flew down to Cabo, Mexico for the week.  This is a photo of our #Lentil bean (though, now he's much much much larger than a lentil bean now) at one of our favorite places to eat in Cabo, the Office.  We devoured guacamole and chips, salads, tacos, steak and lobster, and coconut shrimp.  Momma, of course, had a few margaritas (Lentil stuck to drinking whole milk).

(While traveling with an infant/toddler isn't the easiest, the memories afterwards definitely make the trip worth it.)  Both momma and daddy came home, EXHAUSTED.  Took us a week to get the family back to a normal sleeping schedule.

And now... we're all taking turns getting over a cold of some sort.  :(

​--Arry

Motherhood is hard.  There's so many changes that I've gone through to list, and while not everyone has the same experiences, here are mine (not in any particular order of importance).  

Motherhood is hard:

1. The obvious physical changes like your whole body expanding, and then shrinking (hopefully back to pre-pregnancy weight).  
2. Your feet change size - and sometimes, never shrink back.  Mine grew a whole size and I cry (just a little) inside every time I see the shoes I can no longer wear. ... oh well.
3. Hair loss after the birth of your baby and also the crazy baby hairs that grow afterwards.  To know and learn how to manage your hair is a new process again.
4. Emotional and hormonal - the lack of sleep, the lack of being able to eat/drink as you want, and the powerful hormones that are or aren't in your body make living complete chaos.  
5. There are significant changes to your family dynamics.  It's everything including how "moms" (your own mother, your mother-in-law, any relative that's also a mom) relate to you and/or express their opinions of motherhood.  
6. Marriage dynamics are a big one.  It's complete survival mode and you have this completely new fascinating baby in front of you.  It's hard to feel sexy or in the mood.  It's a mystery about how to even coordinate a date night.  I love this man I've co-created life with.  I love seeing him as a father.  He's even more attractive to me now.  And I miss the life we had when it was just the two of us.  I do like our life as mom and dad.  
7. Priorities completely change.  That career you were completely leaning into and driving before takes a major hit.  I can't show up to the events and meetings on a whim I used to.  My life's interests have changed.  How I see the world has changed.  If I have spare time, which I force myself to take (not that I really technically have it), I'd rather sip wine or Lillet with my husband, cuddle longer with my baby, or be completely alone.
8. My relationship with myself has gone through a rollercoaster.  A lot of it was the lack of sleep and the hormonal changes.  I definitely had postpartum depression, with thoughts of ending my life.  I used to see myself only as unstoppable and strong.   I now see myself as many other adjectives: kind, depressed, empathetic, apathetic, beaten, aloof, charismatic, tired, and introspective.  
9. My relationship with money/resources is different, too.  I think I'm much more practical today, than before having a baby.  I think about how it relates to and will impact the system.  I'm applying this frugal practicality to everything, from how I spend money daily to how I plan for it.
10. And finally, the societal judgement that comes with motherhood.  I've had investors tell me to my face that I'm probably a horrible mother.  I've been lectured that I am wrong to still want to go out to make an impact outside the home right now.  People ask me daily, "how do you do it?"  I sometimes wonder if that question is really, "why do you do it?"

Often, I'll share and say something like, "wow, motherhood is hard".  You learn a lot about who people are with the responses.  Now having been in this for over a year, I've noticed a most definite pattern.  I will always get one of two responses to that question.  They go something like this:

Supportive fellow human being:
A) Yes.  My gosh I can (or cannot) imagine.  With the follow up of, let's go grab some coffee or I'd love to share more with you on this journey.  I want to show you that you are not alone and I am here to feel shoulder-to-shoulder in life with you.  I want you to know that it'll be okay.   

Judging oppressive human being:
B) Of course it is.  And, isn't motherhood the most rewarding thing you've ever done?  Isn't it completely and totally worth it?  There's only one right answer here and you better say it.  Motherhood is amazing and that's the only thing any mother should ever say.  Ever.  Because it is completely worth it.  

---------
We get to be the guardian of a brand new fresh pure amazing human life, to guide him (or her) to grow up to be a kind, generous, strong, empathetic, respectful and respected adult.   It is hard work.  Both ideas can exist. 

--Arry

1 year old.  Some milestones or highlights going on right as I type this:

• He has the biggest smiles ever.  I like to think that me making these crazy big smiles at him from the day he was born helped train him to do so.  Whatever, his smiles are amazing and light up my world.
• He stands. Stands on his little two feet. 
• He is starting to walk.  5-15 steps.  Short distances.
• He LOVES music. Favorite songs are Humpty Dumpty, Rain Rain Go Away, Daddy Finger, Row Row Your Boat, ABC, ... actually there's just too many to even list.
• Loves to eat.  One dinner recently took a good 1 hour 15 minutes for him to chow everything.  Sweet potatoes, apples, bananas, bread, rice crackers are among the favorites.
• His hugs are amazing.  He squeezes as hard as he can, you can just feel the love.  It's amazing.
• He loves to play with cars, little balls, blocks, and his little baby books.
• He hates hats.  I get him to wear the hats when we are out though.
• Sleeps though the night (about 8 hours at a time). We can usually feed him and convince him to sleep another couple hours too.

Seeing him grow, this amazing human baby grow from infant to little boy has just been amazing.  It's also been just so exhausting too.  Dae and I are a little older for first time parents.  I don't think we could do this without all the help and support we get from our own parents.  It seriously takes a village.  Our friends have been amazing, too.  The hand me down clothing and toys have helped us save money.  We are so thankful.

--Arry